I used to run back in college to lose weight and gain confidence, and with enough effort, I did. Then I started being complacent and lazy because I felt I was entitled due to all the hard work that I’ve done. A few days break became a week, then a month, it was too late when I realized that I was back to my normal self. Years later, graduation came and adulthood began to set in. Work was stressful with all the demands from students down to the parents, I figured I needed an outlet for all of it. That was the point when I decided to get fit again. Hitting the gym every other day, I felt slightly motivated, but unfortunately, there were more temptations now than ever before, knowing that I earn my own money now and I get to spend it however I want. After gym I would either have dinner with my office mates which always turned out to be fast food or bar out with my other work mates. Getting back into shape was extremely hard now more than ever. That’s when you came in. At the very first encounter, I knew that I liked you and I had to find out how to get to know you more. Fortunately, I discovered that you liked running and so I decided to jog along with you from time to time. It was annoying how you were as unmotivated as I was then, only being able to jog with you once in awhile because you were either too late or too lazy. Nevertheless, I decided to wait for you. Eventually, I began to get back to my old running routines because I had to be on par with your fitness level and because of that, we became a little closer.
At one point, you invited us to a race that you wanted to join. Honestly, I hate joining races, the mere idea of spending money just to register for a race and other expenses just felt too much for me. I would always tell my friends, “Why would I spend money to tire myself out? I can achieve the same result in a much more convenient manner with no expenses at all.”
But for you, I didn’t even think twice. The idea of getting to spend an early morning with you felt perfect. And for half the year, we were joining races here and there. We would join a race once a month and for those times, there were two races when the only two of us were there. And of course, that were my most favorite races to date. I would always ask to train with you and for the most part during summer we were training together. I’m a morning person, so typically I would train in the morning but you were sometimes to tired from work or MA or just plain procrastinating so you would rather train at night. And as crazy as it sounds, I ended up training twice a day. In the morning on my own, and at night so I can train with you. It was tiring as hell and I can feel my body begging to rest but I just felt motivated to keep going so I can spend more time with you thinking that I’m becoming closer to you.
A few months later, I decided to shoot my shot and to tell you how I feel despite me knowing that it’s pretty obvious already at that point but I just wanted it to be clear. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel the same way and after that, everything changed. To be honest, I was okay with it, I was okay with us going back to normal but for obvious reasons, it was never going back to normal again. She started avoiding me and so on. That was the most painful part. I have this colleague of mine whom I consider as my mentor, he would always tell me that there was no other outcome for what had happened. You said what you wanted to say, and this was the only outcome there was to it and that I should just accept it. And so I did my best to accept the consequences of my action.
We had so much races planned but because of my stupid act, I ended up running on my own again. In one race that we were supposed to run together, she apparently had an important event to attend to so she had to give up her race kit to my mentor. Aside from my mentor being there with me during the race, I decided to also invite my friends, although they ran a different category from ours. It felt weird being in a race without her. I knew she wasn’t there with me at the starting line but I had this annoying feeling that I had to look for her and that’s when it hit me. I was too used to having her around for these things. For the first time ever, although my friends were there with me, I felt alone because you weren’t there with me. As the race started, I couldn’t help but look in front and behind me, hoping that you were there. Thinking that maybe your plans had changed and decided to join the race again. I kept running and looking, but you weren’t there. I never asked to run with you again after that day because I felt you would just make an excuse not to. Since then, I decided to race on my own. I joined a race all on my own after that, I didn’t invite anyone. It felt weird to be honest, doing something I hated before and now doing all on my own. But for once, I felt free, from you and from everyone else. Sure, I was looking for you from time to time but I forced my mind to get back to the race repeatedly and it worked somehow. I started training on my own again and found a different kind of motivation, after seeing how fast the runners were during the race, I felt motivated to do the same. Sure, I won’t be as fast as them but I can work as hard and improve on my own pace. My mentor eventually picked me up, seeing how miserable I look when I train on my own. I know train with him during the weekends and he would always tell me to cool it down as I always want a difficult type of training.
What was once a difficult task for me, is now the thing I love the most. Now, I don’t run and get fit because of you. I do these things now so I can better myself and live a better life. Although admittedly, at times I wish you were still there. I’ll keep running for me. I’ll keep running for me. I’ll keep running for me.
But in all honesty, I’ll always miss your excitement prior to the race.
I’ll always miss your tired but determined effort to finish the race.
I’ll always miss your triumphant expression when you finish the race.
I’ll always miss how you look when I make you coffee
I’ll always miss running with you
- Goodbye for Now - May 16, 2020
- Running - April 13, 2020
