It was at the end of October when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis apart from PCOS and MVP (heart condition). It’s still tolerable, but for a woman having these abnormalities, it’s quite disruptive.
I overthought for a week. Almost felt like I was in a state of depression (almost felt like.) Aside from the fact that there was something wrong inside of me, I really felt terrible outside. Abdominal pain, difficulty breathing, nausea, constant allergy attacks, and other weird feelings were giving me a hard time figuring out what’s the right way to do first.
That one week was my first encounter with my weakest self. I’d say the weakest because I literally don’t know what to do and how to take care of it. And I felt nothing but disappointment, sadness, anxiety and fear. Plus, I also felt a lot of pressure because most of the elders around me were pushing me to get pregnant instead of taking a lot of high-dosage medicines. Well, I won’t deny it but aside from the physical and mental pain that I was going through at that time, the thoughts that lingered in my mind were;
“What if I won’t really be able to bear a child?”
“I certainly do not want to have a kid at the moment, but what if I already lost my chance when I’m finally ready for it?”
“Will I regret not having a child?”
“Will I regret if I decided to get pregnant now?”
“What would be the best thing to do and the best for everyone?”
“How am I going to deal with this?”
“How about my plans for myself?”
“I may have deserved this but I can’t let my child be burdened too.”
There’s no way to describe what I’m feeling during that time.
But after silently praying and talking to Him, I was calmed.
This phase of my life was another story. A different kind of struggle that I would cherish until the day that I’d have an answer. Even without an answer at all, I will be really proud of myself someday for how this has made me better.
It may not be what I’ve planned for or at least how I thought my path would be, but as a person who still struggles to rebuild her obliterated self and shattered dreams, I’ll get through this too.
It may just be a tap on my shoulder telling me, “Hey, you still have a long way to go so you’d better do greater, better things for yourself and for others.”
Everything will be okay. 🙂
