It’s been years since I started feeling down often. Sometimes every other week, weekly or worst, for so many consecutive days. And I don’t even know why. I’ve managed to handle my emotions for a few months but it didn’t last for so long.
I keep on trying…
* exercising
* meditating
* doing things I like
* focusing on my priorities
* talking to the closest people in my life
Until one day, I just accepted the fact that it’s no longer working. I told myself, maybe because I lack sleep for a couple of months? Maybe it’s because I’m no longer able to travel and reconnect with nature due to the pandemic? Maybe I’m just too tired?
Then I’ve consulted an expert and found out that my anxiety attacks were from the unresolved traumas that I had. So I started tracking back… When did it really start?
Nowadays, what I’m really having trouble thinking of is… What do I really want to do? What would be my next step? Will I be able to stay put in this next decision I’ll make no matter how complicated it gets?
I know I would be able to do anything, that’s one character I’ve got that I really like. I’m willing to learn and adapt, No matter how hard it is, I know I’ll be able to figure it out but what bothers me nowadays is until when?
My fear is eating me up. I’m afraid of investing again and end up losing everything, hurting people I truly love and care about, starting back to nothing. I felt like I’ve already given everything that I have and lost it. The courage, the vision, the strength, and I can’t even understand why am I feeling this way. It’s not too late I know! I can start all over again and be more firm with my choices this time.
It’s just hard you know… to start from knowing the fact that those important things and people in your life that actually made you feel confident before that NO matter how hard it is, NO matter how painful, IT’S OKAY, I CAN GET THROUGH THIS. I just can say that anymore these days.
I hope that day comes when I can finally let go of everything that keeps me haunted. That I can finally move forward without holding back. That everything from the past would remain as a lesson and won’t ever keep me left behind.
I know I can… I just need to trust and believe in myself again!
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