Love – an unachievable future or a present continuous reality
I would like to find a partner I can always think about her, do things for our future.
Yes, it used to as if happen on my ex-girlfriend. But, I am really not sure in the first place, it’s because of love or just because I were eager to have a girl who wills to chat with me. So, when I finally got her love, I found things not happened as what I thought before.
This could be the most devastating thing on earth. She is my good friend everlastingly and we can always talk a lot as well, sharing daily lives. Different from other girls, she likes to listen to my speech about anything from job, badminton, college life, habits. Staying with her, I always feel secure to express my thoughts and opinions instead of being afraid of annoying her. She is too good to just listen to me talking, preaching until she lost her own personality what I should have loved most.
I feel sorry for not spending enough time on getting well understand with each other before we were going to be a couple. I was urgent for a girl-friend so that I left the love behind. Busy catering to her appetite, her needs, I forgot what is the most important, the essence of love, the basic factors of relationship. I got and lost.
I always be the one rejected in relationships before. At that time, I hate the girl doing such a brutal thing on me though we used to be good friends. However, now I understand I’m a looser in relationship not because I lose the “love campaign” among us friends but I didn’t care about her feelings imposing my personal emotions on them. Spitting emotional words in an argument may always soothe your rage for a while, adding fuel to the fire just in a short period of time, overwhelming guilt ran towards me thoroughly and unmercifully. It’s really a life lesson in return of my best ”female friend” in collage. To be honesty, if it wasn’t her, I would never think it over and over again every single day and understand profoundly how bad I had done. Only she can entitle single event to be a stimulation prompting me to be mature and take things serious. She never knows about that.
When I first met her(ex), I chatted with her frequently on “Line” it seems my dreaming scenario that resembles the scenario when I talked to “her” among my college life were back. She happily told me her daily life and so did I. Sometime the illusion flashed, emerged in my mind, “Am I talking to “her””, Merely the feeling can attract me badly. Going back to that time, feeling overjoyed during every moment we were talking appealed me so much. I don’t know is it a bad start of her being a substitution of “her”.
On the days nearly end of our relationship, The idea that I would like to be free and leave the whole romantic relationship away for a while to breath appears constantly. I couldn’t stay any longer but I was afraid of leaving, too. Afraid of going back to the life alone. I really lost all of the once inexhaustible motivations of staying with her. I also amazed at the change of my mind, because I can really feel the change. Nothing but I can just keep following my mind altogether. I don’t know what’s wrong or maybe I know it clearly throughout the days. Why the feeling just disappeared like a magician conjuring up ? Every time re-skim the chatting box records and the photos stored in my phone, I can still feel the emotions and atmosphere around that time.
Ashamed on the things and words I have done and said, I know myself better from the mistake and that should to face the necessary challenges following the voice from deep mind rather than ignore it. In the future I still have to trace love. Once, I can acknowledge the existence of it for a short time. Now, I want to find it out and holding onto it. The essence for the next stage of my life, I will never let it compromised.
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